Episode 044


Jennifer Lopez began her rise to multi-platform domination as a charismatic young actress with with some serious indie cred. She shines (and packs a punch) as tough-but-vulnerable federal marshall Karen Sisco in OUT OF SIGHT, hunting down bank robber George Clooney (and nearly stealing the movie from him). We return to the Elmore Leonard universe and contemplate what might've been if JLo had spent more time with directors like Steven Soderbergh (could he have found her her own Erin Brockovich-type vehicle??) Instead, she started churning out pop hits that delighted young Seán (before she started singing about boyfriend Ben Affleck, that is). There's no denying that Jenny from the Block is a woman to be reckoned with.


Ali vs. Forman! Rocky vs. Apollo! JLo vs. JFo! On paper it sounds great: Puerto Rican pop princess faces off against a Hollywood grande dame in her unexpected return to the screen. Alas, what might've been a truly Freudian slugfest as mother-in-law battles bride-to-be lands with a whimper, a shrug and a WTF?! Jen is in candy-coated rom-com mode, rendering herself into an inoffensive Everygirl, while Hanoi Jane is going for a register somewhere in between Miranda Priestly and Mommie Dearest. This fascinating failure exhibits all the formulaic flaws that have sunk many a recent rom-com. Where's the rom? Where's the com? Brian and Seán dream of the diva duet that never happened, while dissecting the wilted bridesmaid's bouquet that was actually tossed.


JENNIFER LOPEZ IS A GENIUS. Who else could've spun box office gold from this laughable material and turned it into... the ultimate guilty pleasure? JLo is a suburban Mom (and Classics teacher!) whose ill-advised jones for jailbait comes back to haunt her, and then some. Don'tcha hate it when the neighbor boy with the rock-hard abs turns out to be a psychopath? Achilles never raged as vengefully as this horny hunk who becomes hell-bent on destroying her family unit. This is Fatal Attraction: Female Version - featuring naked butts, pornographic photocopies and a gruesome finale that would put Aeschylus to shame. It's getting pretty wet down here!